My notes from the Oscars, since I'm sure no one else was watching

"Crash" won the Best Picture Oscar last night. In a media-driven spectacle that rarely surprises, this one left buttloads of people breathless. Or angry. Hopefully not at my cheeky "buttloads" half-assed attempt at a joke. As much as I want to comment on the comparison, I'm in a bad position since I haven't yet seen "Crash". Damn. I wanted to get a reach-around joke in that last sentence. Still, as soon as "Crash" comes out on video, I'm all over it. But I'd like to thank the Academy for giving me the opportunity to make light of homophobia by instead invoking racism. And of course I'd like to thank my agent. And my goatee designer. And my Second Grade teacher, Ms. Lindholm, who gave me the courage to be a budding class clown and still be taken seriously when it came to number-writing time.

Sheesh...I have no idea what I'm saying. I made some notes last night while watching the Oscars. I wish some of it was genius. Just like I wished Jon Stewart would be genius. Both of us were middlingly successful. I'd give us both a rating of B-minus. Let me know what you think.

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It's Oscar Time, America!

• Ryan “Not even my Wife knows how to ACTUALLY pronounce my name” Phillippe talked on the red carpet of having their 6-year-old at home staying up beyond his/her bedtime “watching Mommy and Daddy on TV” for the first time. They then looked to the wrong camera (even with Billy Bush’s Spielbergian direction) and said hello. They live on the West Coast. That was at approximately 5pm. Those poor kids hate them. No wonder they’re in marriage counseling.
• With TiVo watching my back, I got to watch our fireplace light up the otherwise dark living room while Maya finished a bottle before heading to bed. The hardwood logs crackled with perfectly-timed glee, emitted a crazy stream of gas and collapsed. Maya stole a glance my way while tugging on my ridiculously-long goatee. I got verklempt thinking of spending last Oscar Sunday in the hospital on the day of Maya’s birth watching “Million Dollar Baby” bring home the major awards.
• Dolly Parton is the most altered woman currently alive. And the resemblance to the woman from “Soap” in “Brazil” is striking.
• Those adorable Wilson Brothers. I met their parents at a café in Dallas in 2000 the day after seeing “Shanghai Noon”. Their mom was wearing a denim oxford shirt bearing the film’s name and I struck up a conversation, assuming they might be associated with the famously Dallas-raised Owen and Luke. The ‘rents were cooler than liquid nitrogen. Oooh - icky. The Boys just introduced animated characters for a bit of canned Oscar bunk. I bet the entire Wilson family hit the bar harder than anyone alive afterwards.
• Love how the “small” categories get the “get off the stage” music even BEFORE they start talking.
• Jennifer Aniston named 5 nominees for Costume Design. Our local over-the-top nerdball video store (Le Video on 9th) only had 4 on their Oscar ballot. Remember, you heard it here first.
• They CUT OFF the make-up co-winner! How seriously unfair. Howard Berger (her co-winner) hogged all of their precious seconds by starting in with a lame George Clooney joke. Berger's the biggest douchebag of the evening. Speaking of Clooney jokes - how many Clooneys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer - what's the lightbulb wearing?
• Morgan Freeman’s SOOOO drunk.
• Lauren Bacall makes me sad.
• Charlize Theron’s dress looks like it’s masking a deflated parrot on her shoulder. Great reflective fabric, nonetheless.
• LOVE THE FRENCH DUDES winning for “March of the Penguins” and taking the stage with the stuffed penguins. Immediately thereafter, HATE THE J. LO!
• I just spied U.S. Rep. Edward Markey (D-MA) in the audience. Just thought the World should know.
• Honorary Oscar to Robert Altman presented by Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. Silliness as bliss. They both are astonishingly funny. Robert Altman rocks like old school AC/DC. I saw him once at a symposium in Seattle saying that he got his inspiration from smoking pot on this great porch he has. The guy’s more honest than Ghandi. Altman’s acceptance speech is the most brilliant I’ve ever seen.
• Best Acceptance Speech of the Night – Obviously, the Three 6 Mafia for Best Song. Hill-AHR-i-mo-fockin-osity!
• Jennifer Garner’s post-baby boobs almost tripped her up on the way to presenting the Oscar for Sound Editing. Almost.
• Most Real acceptance speech – “Tsosti” dude.
• Was Hillary Swank wearing a painted-on dress? Yes.
• John Travolta’s hair gets weirder every time he’s let out of the Scientologists’ compound. I don’t want to see him again unless there’s a humongo tranquilizer dart in his neck and I’m somewhat assured he won’t make a break for it. Not really sure what that means.
• “CRASH” WON! Boy, do I wish I was in the Castro right now to join in the open rebellion and looting.
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Lots of other stuff in the World worth digging into, but I gotta get down to some real writing. Thanks for reading. Hope your own awards ceremonies today feature glorious swag. Rock on.