Clearing the dreck

My absolutely horrible SIFF choices continue.  So to maybe clean my palette, I'll let you live the awfulness vicariously.

The documentary "8: The Mormon Proposition" was the best of the bunch.  My rating - a pretty flat C.  I totally agree with the desire to show how nefarious the Mormons were (and will be) when it came to funding the anti-gay marriage referendum on California's 2008 fall election ballot.  The crowd at the Egyptian Theatre couldn't have been more fabulous.  But preaching to the choir does not an inspiring sermon make.  Sorry.

The micro-budget Seattle feature "Perfect 10" premiered with all of the cast and the co-director/writer/producers present at SIFF Cinema's theatre in the Seattle Center.  They had a decent crowd and everyone was all smiles and encouraging pats on the back.  The story is about a chubby chaser, and the woman desirous of said chasing.  More or less.  I'm a total dick for being realistically harsh because this movie was like a poorly acted, weirdly shot student film with about as many laughs as an episode of "The King of Queens".  Still, my rating is a solid D.  The beauty of it, however, shows that SIFF surely encourages local productions and probably provides expertise to assist through the whole process.  I only hope they encourage ones that challenge the viewer a bit more.  Or at least don't make us feel sad leaving the theatre if we intend to say what we really thought.

Much easier to throw under the bus is the sci-fi belly flop "Splice" - it was at SIFF before opening in theatres last weekend.  Because of family logistics, I couldn't do SIFF screenings last night.  But I could catch this sad little thriller at the Oaktree 6 off Aurora Avenue (the most bleak with extra zazz multiplex in Seattle).  My rating is another solid D.  I imagine Adrian Brody bringing his Oscar with him to the set every day, hoping that might justify the choices he continues to make - both on and off screen.  Both he and Sarah Polley are much better than this.

Luckily for me, "Splice" is also a Joel Silver production.  So after a short respite from excusing this sort of movie, I'm back to calling out the guy for what he is - a modern Jabba the Hut who will finance just about anything salacious or soul destroying.  Speaking of which, I'd like to pitch an idea for a script, Joel.  Picture this - "The Stuff" meets "Wedding Crashers".  With zombies.  Or maybe Amazon women.  No, not women from Amazon.com.  The archers.  Look, just call me.  I'm still working on the story boards and sorta spitballing here.  But it's gonna be huge.  Babe.

Sometimes, standards are meant to be lowered

The Memorial Day weekend here in Seattle was as gray as BP's cafeteria banter.  Although a glorious Monday afternoon and evening was enough to tempt us with what's surely to come.  We needed to stick around town, so what better way to mix it up than to see some movies at SIFF, right?  Wrong.  I chose like a blind squirrel looking for tasty treats in a huge, barren parking lot.  Anything that might have been a nut turned out to be a rock or a moldy cigar butt or part of a human finger.  Well, actually it wasn't that bad.  But I did see some dreck. So I'll keep my movie reviews short.  Including the one surprise that rounded it out Monday afternoon.

The documentary "Gerrymandering" was a back-up choice. My rating is a completely bored D.  Nice filmmaker.  He seemed like he wanted to buy everyone a latte afterward.  The Guvernator of Cullyforneeya was drawn into the "story" as the hero.  I sat near some people trying to laugh politely at non-existent jokes.  Gerrymandering is actually meant to be pronounced "Gary-mandering".  And scene.

The Aussie slice of life comedy "My Year Without Sex" was advertised as a crowd pleaser.  About a brain aneurysm.  And abstinence.  And a lovable, horny minister.  I sat between a cute grandma who was seeing her first film of the festival ("I'm easy," she told me beforehand, with no irony whatsoever) and a young software programmer trying to chat up his too-hot-for-him date who didn't put away her iPhone.  My rating - a very mean D.  I'm the meanie, mind you - the movie itself is quite nice, albeit dull.  Still, barely a rental.

Following that and because Maya had an ongoing playdate that freed us up, Sarah and I were going to catch something as a late matinee.  "We" chose badly (my idea).  VERY badly.  "MacGruber" (not at SIFF, but street cred lightyears away at the metroplex close to U-Dub).  I took the whole irony of "so bad it will be good" too far.  It was awful.  We full up and walked out after almost an hour.  Which should have earned us combat pay.  My rating is a rare but deserved F.  Never see this movie.  But then "we" did something inspired (Sarah's idea).  We caught two bad movies for the price of one.  "Prince of Persia" had started just 10 minutes after "MacGruber".  By the time we sat down, who knows what amount of hooey had been already spun to set up the remaining action.  Jake Gyllenhaal's long, sweaty hair deserved its own trailer.  The princessy chick has these inexplicable freckles that totally work (her name is Gemma Arterton, which sounds like a mistake).  Aside from constant action scenes blurring past, it's all close-ups.  The movie would probably earn a rating of, at best, C-minus.  But since it was the best movie I saw all weekend, I'm inflating this one. I'll give it a...well, still a C-minus (I am a professional bound by a code or something, after all).  Yet to think that "Prince of Persia" reinstilled my hopefulness when it comes to movies is a rare twist of logic, indeed.  Thank you, Joel Silver.  And with that said, I must now go take a karma shower.

Hope your own hits vastly outweigh the intolerable misses today.  Rock on.