The Man Who No Longer Stares At His Own Goatee

If you've viewed my profile picture or any other picture taken of me since 1991, you've seen a goatee. Sometimes long like a biker, sometimes trimmed to within a shadow of existence. But a goatee nonetheless. Sure, for a few rare periods it had been surrounded by a full beard. The goatee, however, has been a constant companion for close to two decades. Or had been. I shaved that goat this past Halloween.

I don't expect many of you actually care about my facial hair configuration. Yet I'm inspired on this weekend - the very day that "The Men Who Stare At Goats" opens - to reflect for a bit on just what the goatee has come to signify in American male culture. And why I encourage each and everyone one of you to lose yours before it's too late.

There was a time about 20 years ago that a goatee had come back into vogue as "edgy". Dare I say, "grungy". Possibly, for a few years there, it was sexy. Can some of us still rock the goat? Most assuredly. But it had become a crutch for me and so many other men like me. That's why the clean look is the new edgy, in my own personal style universe. I realize many of you have come to rely upon my style recommendations over the years. I mean, remember Zubaz? You're welcome.

You're probably asking, what's next? Doing away with the ironic t-shirt? Or losing the baseball cap? No, no let's not throw the baby out with the proverbial bong water here.

Ponder for a moment the momentous monstrosity that is The GoateeSaver. Here you have a product marketed to seduce the goatee wearer with the false claims that "(Your goatee) reflects your personality. It declares your individuality. Your goatee is much more than just facial hair, your goatee style helps fashion your identity." So true. So ironically, dispassionately true.

Next, consider some of the more famous of those examples of men rockin' the goat. In no particular order, I select:
1. the current Brad Pitt. Crazy, grey goat.
2. the old Spock. Lush, galatic goat.
3. the Chuck Todd. Wonky, sexless goat.
4. the Da Ali G. Fastidious, bedonka-donk loving goat.
5. the Kevin Youkilis. Should guest-star on "Sons of Anarchy" biker goat. The single best name/goat pairing in modern history.
6. the Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory" on the Season Premiere episode. Dork goat (proving anyone can grow one).
7. the Todd Palin. Purposeless goat (especially ironic if worn on a snowmobile in Alaska).
8. the Dave Navarro. Dooshy goat, always in transition.
9. the Billy Bob Thornton. The afraid to act his real age goat.
10. the Frank Zappa. The technically-not-a-goat goat that everyone lets slide because, well, it's Zappa.

Aside from Zappa, I gotta say I'm happy to be out of that particular club. So, please, gentlemen. I implore you. Take a look at your chin. Or what's hidden there where your chin used to be. Maybe you're like me and your face is rounder than you'd like to remember it being. Maybe your chin is as weak as a George W. Bush motivational speech. Or maybe you just like to think you still look good and Pearl Jam's new album shows no sign of going out of style. Whatever the excuse, look around and consider your goat peers. Then take a look at yourself. Not a deep introspective look. Just a shallow, superficial look. You'll be glad you did.

And, once again, you're welcome.

2008 YearEnder

On the 4th Anniversary of this Blog, I'll give y'all a hearty taste of the YearEnder that I send to friends and family. Merry Merry 2009 to all.
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2008 – The Year in Politics
This YearEnder establishes a new feature. My “YearEnder PoliTicker” – a gauge of various folk that floated through the political mainstream in ’08, viewed through a thoroughly unscientific stock-picking mechanism. Invest wisely based upon these recommendations. And please bear in mind that almost all stock-picking shtick is shallow, confusing and utter nonsense. Kinda like anything you might hear on CNBC or its mutant twins on any given day.
- Barack Obama (HOLD) – he was the Man of the Year and the biggest political story of our generation. But with what he’s facing, I’d sit on the Hope you’ve already got at least through 2009.
- Joe Biden (BUY) – the anti-Cheney will soon become a surprisingly necessary asset to keep the Cabinet in check. And now that he won’t be taking the train back to Delaware every weeknight, expect the Bidens to be all up in the grill of the DC social scene.
- Hillary Clinton (HOLD) – the perks that come with being Secretary of State are huge. Hillary's stock peaked well over a year ago. But she's one to HOLD for the long run that she surely thinks still ain't over yet.
- John McCain (SELL) – he’s been a gracious loser, but this campaign kicked the crap out of his infamous stamina. Going back to the Senate as a gelding Republican sounds about as much fun as heading to San Francisco as a young Mormon missionary to knock on doors in the Castro.
- George W. Bush (BUY) – most believe that he couldn’t possibly head anywhere but further down down down. But near the end of the 2009, I expect there will be a retro movement to bring him out of mothballs. What’s a satirical society without a disgraced figure to chuck a few shoes at? Call this a risky BUY, but one worth adding to your portfolio. Besides, it's an extremely cheap BUY.
- Sarah Palin (SELL) – she’s now a different type of GILF (Grandmother, rather than Governor). Look for a concerted effort within her own Party to trash Grannie Palin. After all, everyone secretly hates a Beauty Queen. Even in Wasilla. Dump her stock while you still can.
- Nancy Pelosi (HOLD) – I love Nancy. But she’s been frustratingly ineffective. She needs to go public with the vitriolic bitchiness I know she’s been hiding. Don’t be surprised if it happens. But don’t hold your breath.
- Harry Reid (BUY) – I don’t love Harry. He’s been totally ineffective. But he used to be a boxer. If Senator Al Franken manages to get under his skin, Harry just might come out swinging this Year. Take the risk and get a bit o’ Harry.
- Mike Huckabee (BUY) – amazingly, SkinnyHuck is making the BigBucks. He’s charming, funny and a complete disaster on the issues. In other words, he’s golden on FOX News. BUY by the bushel.
- Mitt Romney (SELL) – the only politician actively campaigning for 2012. He will become a fixture on cable news to deliver the Republican’s single talking point on the economy (“it’s Obama’s fault”). Dump all your Romney. A share of him is more toxic than a bushel of Lieberman.
- Elliot Spitzer (BUY) – being an alleged do-gooder publicly disgraced by a stunning prostitute isn’t the most inglorious way to end a political career. After all, Spitz is already writing a column for “Slate” about ethics. Expect that rebranding to expand. It won’t be long before he’s all over the place, being considered a big brain with tragic insight. Especially after Ashley Dupre` breaks down and does her overdue million-dollar nude spread for a greasy porn mag in the next handful of months.
- Rod Blagojevich (SELL) – if ever there was a guy prepped to tell a reporter to “BLEEP off” during a live press conference, it’s Blago. He’s managed to go from tragedy to comedy right back to tragedy again. If life was a Scorsese film, he’d already have been popped. Essentially a penny stock. Still, dump all your Blago and remove guilt by association from your portfolio.

2008 in a Snapshot
- The worldwide economic meltdown. Massive housing depreciation. The collapsing American auto industry. A shady $700B Wall Street bailout. Unemployment spikes during the biggest hiring season of the Year. Gas and oil prices boomerang all over the place. Anarchy in the credit markets. Where will it end? No, seriously – I’m asking. Where does it end? Ba dump bum.
- The Detroit Lions managed to further depress Detroit unlike anything since the last Bob Seger reunion tour.
- Alaska and Hawaii were finally noticed the year before their 50th anniversaries of Statehood by the traveling campaign press corps. Which assignment do you think was more sought after? (Hint: pack a bikini, not a parka).
- Among those that passed away this Year were three of my personal favorite people – Paul Newman, George Carlin and Tim Russert. They will be missed.
- William Ayers and Joe the Plumber entered the political lexicon. One by slander, one by inexplicable ego.
- David Letterman showed just how funny he can still be when he piled on McCain’s imploding campaign.
- Robert Downey Jr. had more fun than anyone on the planet.
- Larry Craig's "wide stance" ruined a perfectly good bathroom in the Twin Cities airport.

Comeback of the Year
Pirates. No, not the Pittsburgh ones.

Quote of the Year
“That one.”

Trend of the Year
Vampires – Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight”, HBO’s “True Blood”, Vampire Weekend (my runner-up for Album of the Year), Tom Cruise’s rise from the dead only to return again to his crypt after the failure of “Valkarie”. The undead were everywhere. And I’m bloody sick of it.

A Few Picks for the Best o’ ‘08
- Movies - There are loads of new films I’ve not yet seen. But “Slumdog Millionaire” was the best movie I saw all year. I consider it the single most hopeful, romantic, allegorical story to counter the terrible tragedy that Mumbai suffered recently in real life.
- Music - Bon Iver (the pseudonym for the musician Justin Vernon and his collaborators) recorded the stunningly beautiful album “for Emma, forever ago” at a cabin in northern Wisconsin. The location arms me with an obvious bias. But if you can listen to this album and not consider the brilliance required to make magic in such sparse recording conditions you’ve not been to the same cabins that I grew up enjoying.
- Books - Richard Price’s novel “Lush Life” features hard-edged, distinctly real-feel dialogue that masterfully transports the reader to places they'd never knowingly choose on their own. Richard Price's work is good enough to whet the appetites of those still crestfallen now that “The Wire” is no longer on HBO.
- TV - “The Daily Show” continues to be the most essential show on any level. Sure, it’s a safe-sounding pick. But if anything else was on top of our TiVo recording list for 8-years running, it would have instead earned this accolade. And I believe Jon Stewart should have become the new moderator on "Meet the Press".
- Radio - Likewise, “This American Life” is essential radio listening. Especially in the case of two of their shows this Year dedicated to analysis of the economic meltdown. “The Giant Pool of Money” and "Another Frightening Show About the Economy". Both are infinitely better than any other economic reporting I saw during this difficult Year. Download the podcasts. Please.
- Sports - Michael Phelps swam like a dolphin. Maybe he's not a bad guy. But he’s becoming a Paris Hilton-like celebrity. Did anyone really think he was ready to host "Saturday Night Live"? Cancel that – the NY Giants winning the Super Bowl last January was the best sports moment of the Year.
- Killer App - Facebook became the single most effective way of locating largely-forgotten personal ghosts since the invention of the Private Eye. Sign up if you haven’t already done so. And crack out your old address books. You’ll be amazed who you’ll bump into. Maybe a bit scared, too.

2009 Largely Baseless Predictions
- Condi Rice comes out of the closet. Translation: she actually voted for Obama.
- Al Gore drops the whole global warming shtick for a more innovative new cause – hydroponics.
- Miley Cyrus starts dating Lindsey Lohan. The editorial offices of four tabloids soon thereafter spontaneously combust.
- New Orleans finally gets what it needs to begin a real recovery after Governor Bobby Jindal realizes he actually has a shot at the GOP nomination in 2012.
- Karl Rove shoots himself in the face on a hunting trip. The media rushes to indict Dick Cheney who was nowhere near Rove at the time, as evidenced by sworn statements that he was a 1000 miles away at the time shooting another man in the face. (Note: "Dick Cheney shoots someone in the face" predictions never get old)
- Ford buys GM and eliminates a bundle of divisions. Chrysler folds. But andthefamilybuick.blogspot.com survives and thrives. Check it out.
- The U.S. is truly, sadly the last foreign military presence in Iraq after Britian pulls out their last soldiers in the early summer. Widespread unwillingness to return for yet another tour of duty hobbles our military. We’re reluctantly down to 50,000 soldiers deployed there by 2010. Iraq becomes Bosnia. Translation: no one cares anymore as the World turns a deaf ear on yet another unresolved tragedy.
- Gitmo is closed and all prisoners are transferred to a prison in one of the reddest of red states. Oklahoma? Idaho? Wyoming? Utah? Yea, payback’s a bitch.
- Two new Supreme Court slots surface when John Paul Stevens and David Souter announce their retirements. Bill Clinton is spotted in Georgetown getting preemptively measured for a robe.
- The Gaza Strip is renamed the Gaza Smoldering Median.
- The Bush Legacy Project concentrates its energy on Phase One – a formal effort to change the pronunciation of "nuclear".
- The next Governor seized by scandal? Vermont’s Jim Douglas. It turns out that he’s been mislabeling his sugaring operation’s Grade B maple syrup as Organic Grade A maple syrup. His political career is OVER.
- The increasing wave of retail bankruptcies finally finds a way to make me smile – the nationwide decimation of high-end dog treat boutiques.

So where do we go from here? Forward (the official motto of the State of Wisconsin). I still find great reasons to have confidence in our Nation and I look to 2009 with focused, open eyes. May yours be a blessed Year ahead. Thanks for reading. Rock on.

"C'mon, Queenie. None of us are getting any younger heh heh heh."

Two quick visual moments from the here and now. First, the best evidence yet that every single one of us would be a bad bet against a grizzly bear.



And only the most recent example of Dubya's fumbling embrace of tradition. In this case, playing the part of the cad. Just like ol' times.

"And the biggest insult was that my 'slam dunk' reference dealt almost entirely with Georgetown's shot at the Final Four, which I forecast perfectly."

We've returned to Vermont for a few days and already it feels like a place we never left. Friends are so apt to make you feel that way. Expect pics and plenty of shtick about said trip in the days ahead. But for the time being, I'm fascinated and enthused by the snippet of the sure to be jawdropping interview George "Is this Medal of Freedom redeemable for anything?" Tenet has given to "60 Minutes" to be aired on Sunday. Call it just one more brick in the wall being built to house the eventual universal condemnation of the Bushies. Or just call it compelling as hell TV from an obviously pissed lifetime civil servant. Unless you work at CBS, you haven't seen the whole spiel. As if that matters. Watch it regardless. Or just check back here early next week to get my full frontal take on Tenet's foggy bottom line.

Hope your own sugaring season is still in full swing. Rock on.

"If it pleases the Chairman, I'd like to request more time to tighten the straps a bit."

Watching Gonzo get pummelled is almost porn. He's floundering so terribly I can see why all the leaks said that he was floundering terribly. It's just a few hours in, some kernal of cathartic brilliance still might be possible. And I'm not above assuming we'll get some other distracting pseudo-good news dumped by those loyal Bushies. Who, by the way, jumped the shark back when Dubya tabbed Harriet Miers as his Supremes pick.

Hope you've got a better excuse than "I don't recall" today. Rock on.

Getting to know some more of the neighborhood...

We're back from a short but fabulous vacation to a few of the choicest spots in the beautiful Northwest. Oddly enough, we left Maya here in Seattle in the enthusiastic care of her Nanna and Poppy. So Sarah and I got to play like teenagers with a stolen credit card and wide-eyed grins for a handful of days. In that light, I'll offer a few recommendations.

We caught "Blades of Glory" in Vancouver on our first night. That might sound a bit cheesy, but it was perfectly timed. If you can do so, see this movie in a theatre packed with Canadian teenagers. The mere fact that even a Canadian toddler gets a bawdy Zamboni joke is reason enough. Hilarious cast, ridiculous production design, entirely enjoyable goofballin'. My rating - a solid B.

On the other end of the cultural scale, we checked out the impressive Museum of Anthropology on the University of British Columbia's campus. The "First Nations" of what is now British Columbia produced fascinating art. The MOA's in the midst of a major expansion, so a rating would be unfair at this time. But I do highly recommend it.

One restaurant worth mentioning is Le Hermitage on Robson Street - masterful French country cuisine accompanied by casually elegant service. Yada yada yada. But the real treat was seeing the couple that had walked in just prior to us get engaged at the end of their meal. On one knee, ring in a box, tearful acceptance - the whole romantic shebang. Neither Sarah nor I have seen such a moment for another couple before. And I don't expect to have the chance again. Yet that one vicariously thrilling moment will forever ink in this restaurant on our rock solid "oh yea, worth it" list.

After a few days in Vancouver, we headed south and caught a ferry out to Friday Harbor on San Juan Island. It's just before the start of the high season, so the Island was largely devoid of too many people, um, like us. Which is nice. We went for morning runs, walked along the trails in both the "American" and "British" camps (from the infamous Pig War era of the 19th Century), and had some seriously disappointing overpriced meals at both the Friday Harbor House (our B&B/hotel) and McMillan's Dining Room in the Roche Harbor marina. Regardless, we'll be back, even if not to those particular restaurants. Riding the ferry through the San Juans in and of itself is reason enough to go.

And so with greater focus, we return to life here. Iraq's a quagmire with yet another summer right around the corner, Dubya's starting his 63rd Crawford ranch vacation putting the total number of days spent there comfortably over 400 during his trainwreck Presidency, the widely-beloved Milwaukee Brewers impressively took 2 of 3 from the Dodgers to open an entirely hopeful season, Maya's apparently found a new love in our absence (gardening), and the temp in Seattle's forecast to maybe hit 70 today. Take the incredibly bad with the hopeful goodness, I guess.

Hope your own Congressional testimony isn't fraught with legal jeopardy today. Rock on.

"Could Ms. Plame please repeat that last bit about 'under cover operations'...and just a little slower this time?"

The two stories that have my attention today are obvious yet still surprising. Foremost, Alberto "The President calls me Al" Gonzalez is finally catching the heck he should've received years ago. I simply believe that he's on his way out. Dubya will need to cut bait on Justice and Gonzo's the designated chump there to keep the taint from running all the way uphill. I always thought he was a greasy loyal-to-a-fault Bushie. Now we get to see for real just how comfortable he is lying repeatedly. Not a pretty sight.

But in terms of prettiness, Valerie Plame is pretty much off the charts. I just caught a bit of the opening of her appearance before Henry Waxman's House Government Reform Committee. All the prior photos haven't done her justice. I'm sure she'll be all over the place for the next few newsy cycles. Rawrr.

Hope your own March Madness is easily treated with proper medication. Rock on.

"Where's that Gannon guy - sure could use one of them questions..."

Dubya just finished the strangest news conference I've seen in many moons. Part of it had to be that the vast field of tough problems and unbelievable missteps that naturally lead to a bazillion snarky White House Press Corps questions. But he's flubbin' and stumblin' more than ever. Including a repeated assertion about Iran's alleged link to weapons found in Iraq being bad even if the Iranian government didn't know about it. And an outright refusal to respond to my earlier planted question about Rove/Fleischer/Armitage's leaking of Valerie Plame's name. I look forward to how the chattering class battles over this moment in the life of the Administration. I think it's a low point. Let me know if you disagree.

For those looking up Maya's progress, it's been a solidish week of flu featuring a few days of hearty barfing. She dealt damn well considering everything, we did approximately 37 loads of laundry, the house got a bit manky, but we've dosed it all in kerosene so it's all just a sensory memory now. More importantly, Maya's back to about 97%. Good thing, too. Tomorrow nite we're heading back to San Francisco for a few days. Should be lovely to revisit some short-lived-but-loved haunts and see some cherished folk. Please check back for pics.

Hope your own follow-ups are unavoidable today. Rock on.

Operation When Will This End

Those that have been paying attention won't need to be reminded that as of today we've lost 5 helicopters in Iraq in the last 3 weeks. The first 4 were shot down, even though the military hated to admit it. This latest tragic downing carried 7 now lost Americans. Reports say it was shot down, too. Read about it - we all should be aware of how bad that mess is becoming. Personally, I've had trouble getting up the gumption to post anything regarding this debacle as of late. Bad news getting worse, day after day, is awfully hard to joke about. So when is enough truly enough? Dubya's "surge" is on display in these losses. And everyone says it will only worsen before it becomes less worse. Not better, but different. Oy. We need to invent a new category of screw-up to truly gauge what we're starting to tally herein.

Hope your own categories are expansive today. Rock on.

Carl tries to reclaim the title from Karl

For my money, the best antedote to the lingering post-State o' the Union banter is the rim-rattling historical reference provided by Carl Bernstein. He really is an eloquent man when he chooses to be. The way he eviscerates Dubya in deference to Nixon is gold-standard interesting. A quick check is worth it many times over.

Hope your own break-ins are merely attempted today. Rock on.