2008 YearEnder

On the 4th Anniversary of this Blog, I'll give y'all a hearty taste of the YearEnder that I send to friends and family. Merry Merry 2009 to all.
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2008 – The Year in Politics
This YearEnder establishes a new feature. My “YearEnder PoliTicker” – a gauge of various folk that floated through the political mainstream in ’08, viewed through a thoroughly unscientific stock-picking mechanism. Invest wisely based upon these recommendations. And please bear in mind that almost all stock-picking shtick is shallow, confusing and utter nonsense. Kinda like anything you might hear on CNBC or its mutant twins on any given day.
- Barack Obama (HOLD) – he was the Man of the Year and the biggest political story of our generation. But with what he’s facing, I’d sit on the Hope you’ve already got at least through 2009.
- Joe Biden (BUY) – the anti-Cheney will soon become a surprisingly necessary asset to keep the Cabinet in check. And now that he won’t be taking the train back to Delaware every weeknight, expect the Bidens to be all up in the grill of the DC social scene.
- Hillary Clinton (HOLD) – the perks that come with being Secretary of State are huge. Hillary's stock peaked well over a year ago. But she's one to HOLD for the long run that she surely thinks still ain't over yet.
- John McCain (SELL) – he’s been a gracious loser, but this campaign kicked the crap out of his infamous stamina. Going back to the Senate as a gelding Republican sounds about as much fun as heading to San Francisco as a young Mormon missionary to knock on doors in the Castro.
- George W. Bush (BUY) – most believe that he couldn’t possibly head anywhere but further down down down. But near the end of the 2009, I expect there will be a retro movement to bring him out of mothballs. What’s a satirical society without a disgraced figure to chuck a few shoes at? Call this a risky BUY, but one worth adding to your portfolio. Besides, it's an extremely cheap BUY.
- Sarah Palin (SELL) – she’s now a different type of GILF (Grandmother, rather than Governor). Look for a concerted effort within her own Party to trash Grannie Palin. After all, everyone secretly hates a Beauty Queen. Even in Wasilla. Dump her stock while you still can.
- Nancy Pelosi (HOLD) – I love Nancy. But she’s been frustratingly ineffective. She needs to go public with the vitriolic bitchiness I know she’s been hiding. Don’t be surprised if it happens. But don’t hold your breath.
- Harry Reid (BUY) – I don’t love Harry. He’s been totally ineffective. But he used to be a boxer. If Senator Al Franken manages to get under his skin, Harry just might come out swinging this Year. Take the risk and get a bit o’ Harry.
- Mike Huckabee (BUY) – amazingly, SkinnyHuck is making the BigBucks. He’s charming, funny and a complete disaster on the issues. In other words, he’s golden on FOX News. BUY by the bushel.
- Mitt Romney (SELL) – the only politician actively campaigning for 2012. He will become a fixture on cable news to deliver the Republican’s single talking point on the economy (“it’s Obama’s fault”). Dump all your Romney. A share of him is more toxic than a bushel of Lieberman.
- Elliot Spitzer (BUY) – being an alleged do-gooder publicly disgraced by a stunning prostitute isn’t the most inglorious way to end a political career. After all, Spitz is already writing a column for “Slate” about ethics. Expect that rebranding to expand. It won’t be long before he’s all over the place, being considered a big brain with tragic insight. Especially after Ashley Dupre` breaks down and does her overdue million-dollar nude spread for a greasy porn mag in the next handful of months.
- Rod Blagojevich (SELL) – if ever there was a guy prepped to tell a reporter to “BLEEP off” during a live press conference, it’s Blago. He’s managed to go from tragedy to comedy right back to tragedy again. If life was a Scorsese film, he’d already have been popped. Essentially a penny stock. Still, dump all your Blago and remove guilt by association from your portfolio.

2008 in a Snapshot
- The worldwide economic meltdown. Massive housing depreciation. The collapsing American auto industry. A shady $700B Wall Street bailout. Unemployment spikes during the biggest hiring season of the Year. Gas and oil prices boomerang all over the place. Anarchy in the credit markets. Where will it end? No, seriously – I’m asking. Where does it end? Ba dump bum.
- The Detroit Lions managed to further depress Detroit unlike anything since the last Bob Seger reunion tour.
- Alaska and Hawaii were finally noticed the year before their 50th anniversaries of Statehood by the traveling campaign press corps. Which assignment do you think was more sought after? (Hint: pack a bikini, not a parka).
- Among those that passed away this Year were three of my personal favorite people – Paul Newman, George Carlin and Tim Russert. They will be missed.
- William Ayers and Joe the Plumber entered the political lexicon. One by slander, one by inexplicable ego.
- David Letterman showed just how funny he can still be when he piled on McCain’s imploding campaign.
- Robert Downey Jr. had more fun than anyone on the planet.
- Larry Craig's "wide stance" ruined a perfectly good bathroom in the Twin Cities airport.

Comeback of the Year
Pirates. No, not the Pittsburgh ones.

Quote of the Year
“That one.”

Trend of the Year
Vampires – Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight”, HBO’s “True Blood”, Vampire Weekend (my runner-up for Album of the Year), Tom Cruise’s rise from the dead only to return again to his crypt after the failure of “Valkarie”. The undead were everywhere. And I’m bloody sick of it.

A Few Picks for the Best o’ ‘08
- Movies - There are loads of new films I’ve not yet seen. But “Slumdog Millionaire” was the best movie I saw all year. I consider it the single most hopeful, romantic, allegorical story to counter the terrible tragedy that Mumbai suffered recently in real life.
- Music - Bon Iver (the pseudonym for the musician Justin Vernon and his collaborators) recorded the stunningly beautiful album “for Emma, forever ago” at a cabin in northern Wisconsin. The location arms me with an obvious bias. But if you can listen to this album and not consider the brilliance required to make magic in such sparse recording conditions you’ve not been to the same cabins that I grew up enjoying.
- Books - Richard Price’s novel “Lush Life” features hard-edged, distinctly real-feel dialogue that masterfully transports the reader to places they'd never knowingly choose on their own. Richard Price's work is good enough to whet the appetites of those still crestfallen now that “The Wire” is no longer on HBO.
- TV - “The Daily Show” continues to be the most essential show on any level. Sure, it’s a safe-sounding pick. But if anything else was on top of our TiVo recording list for 8-years running, it would have instead earned this accolade. And I believe Jon Stewart should have become the new moderator on "Meet the Press".
- Radio - Likewise, “This American Life” is essential radio listening. Especially in the case of two of their shows this Year dedicated to analysis of the economic meltdown. “The Giant Pool of Money” and "Another Frightening Show About the Economy". Both are infinitely better than any other economic reporting I saw during this difficult Year. Download the podcasts. Please.
- Sports - Michael Phelps swam like a dolphin. Maybe he's not a bad guy. But he’s becoming a Paris Hilton-like celebrity. Did anyone really think he was ready to host "Saturday Night Live"? Cancel that – the NY Giants winning the Super Bowl last January was the best sports moment of the Year.
- Killer App - Facebook became the single most effective way of locating largely-forgotten personal ghosts since the invention of the Private Eye. Sign up if you haven’t already done so. And crack out your old address books. You’ll be amazed who you’ll bump into. Maybe a bit scared, too.

2009 Largely Baseless Predictions
- Condi Rice comes out of the closet. Translation: she actually voted for Obama.
- Al Gore drops the whole global warming shtick for a more innovative new cause – hydroponics.
- Miley Cyrus starts dating Lindsey Lohan. The editorial offices of four tabloids soon thereafter spontaneously combust.
- New Orleans finally gets what it needs to begin a real recovery after Governor Bobby Jindal realizes he actually has a shot at the GOP nomination in 2012.
- Karl Rove shoots himself in the face on a hunting trip. The media rushes to indict Dick Cheney who was nowhere near Rove at the time, as evidenced by sworn statements that he was a 1000 miles away at the time shooting another man in the face. (Note: "Dick Cheney shoots someone in the face" predictions never get old)
- Ford buys GM and eliminates a bundle of divisions. Chrysler folds. But andthefamilybuick.blogspot.com survives and thrives. Check it out.
- The U.S. is truly, sadly the last foreign military presence in Iraq after Britian pulls out their last soldiers in the early summer. Widespread unwillingness to return for yet another tour of duty hobbles our military. We’re reluctantly down to 50,000 soldiers deployed there by 2010. Iraq becomes Bosnia. Translation: no one cares anymore as the World turns a deaf ear on yet another unresolved tragedy.
- Gitmo is closed and all prisoners are transferred to a prison in one of the reddest of red states. Oklahoma? Idaho? Wyoming? Utah? Yea, payback’s a bitch.
- Two new Supreme Court slots surface when John Paul Stevens and David Souter announce their retirements. Bill Clinton is spotted in Georgetown getting preemptively measured for a robe.
- The Gaza Strip is renamed the Gaza Smoldering Median.
- The Bush Legacy Project concentrates its energy on Phase One – a formal effort to change the pronunciation of "nuclear".
- The next Governor seized by scandal? Vermont’s Jim Douglas. It turns out that he’s been mislabeling his sugaring operation’s Grade B maple syrup as Organic Grade A maple syrup. His political career is OVER.
- The increasing wave of retail bankruptcies finally finds a way to make me smile – the nationwide decimation of high-end dog treat boutiques.

So where do we go from here? Forward (the official motto of the State of Wisconsin). I still find great reasons to have confidence in our Nation and I look to 2009 with focused, open eyes. May yours be a blessed Year ahead. Thanks for reading. Rock on.

Please wake me when it's time to be an artful dick again.

OK, OK - I get it. All the bloggers in the world are fixated on the Democratic National Convention in Denver this week. And, yes, everyone worth a stray pixel or a binary bitch fit has something to say about what they've "observed". But you know what? I'm not going to go there. Sure, I've watched more coverage than you (sorry, it's true). I've bored my wife and daughter to tears with blow-by-blow commentary on why things appear to be going well but not too well, doncha know. Still, I'm sick of this whole charade. The Clintons forever lost me at their most recent invocation of "hello, we believe in the votes of 18 million Americans". McCain's Veep pick lamer-than-all-lame counterpunches rollout tomorrow is a joke I just can't bring myself to laugh at anymore. And Barack's big speech tonight? Well, I just hope he realizes how much I'm waiting for a fart joke or tasteless "Mile High Club" reference. Because otherwise...I don't know if I'll be able to bring myself to blog about anything until the start of the NFL Season. Or if Larry Craig gets caught doing a reach around in the Senate shower.

Hope your own ability to type through the hopeful boredom is stronger than my own. Rock on.

But the price will seem a bargain when you consider the bonus "Lewinsky" bundled in the package.

The countdown is on for Eliot Spitzer's resignation. If I had an office to pool, I'd pick just after the markets close this afternoon. In the only positive aspect I can mine from this story, I'm personally very interested in David Paterson as Governor (he'll be the first blind Governor in our Nation's history). He sounds like a stand-up fella. But Spitz - what a FUBAR disaster. I met a guy 3 years ago at a wedding who was working as an Assistant District Attorney in New York and could speak at length personally of Spitz. At the time, admittedly, I was blinded by the rising star media story that surrounded the then NY Attorney General. In knowing contrast, he thought Spitz was scum. Not about anything like this scandal, but the self-righteousness that was so obvious to those that worked under him. I'm sure stories like that will dominate the next few cycles. At least until someone tracks down "Kristen" and readies her image for the inevitable "Playboy" spread. For the moment, everyone's chopping up Spitz's still warm corpse while offering well-worn sympathetic canards. For his wife. His three teenage daughters. His ruined career as a crime fighter. His emboldened past targets. What. Ever. Anyone who pays $4300 for just over two hours with a petite brunette that didn't get to toss her off a pyramid afterwards - well, you're just a dumb, rich jerk who already has a spot reserved in history's Gallery of Political Shame. I suggest hung right next to Larry Craig.

Hope your own illegal interstate commerce today at worst deals with shipping Girl Scout cookies. Rock on.

Let's all please agree to stop calling it a "bully pulpit" for the next, oh, 15 months or so, mm'kay?

Maya's sick and has been so for a few days. Discomfort on the level of a Larry Craig interview. But there are a few nuggets that I need to weigh in on before all the highly-paid pundits steal my thunder.

Sam Brownback's dropping out of the GOP race. So all the Brownbackers will now presumably become Huckabees. Ah, poetry.

The House failed to override Dubya's SCHIP veto by a handful of votes. Somewhere right now, Rahm Emanuel is toasting the future of his Party with Snidley Whiplash-like glee. Meanwhile, millions of kids are suffering. After a few days of seeing how much a child can suffer with exceptional healthcare, I feel more than ever that we as a Nation don't know shite about this issue any longer.

Dubya's invocation of "World War III" as a boogeyman during yesterday's press conference will, in my estimation, be one of his most quoted banana peels from this era of incompetence. To even bring it up from his self-proclaimed "bully pulpit" indicates how little he knows about his job. After nearly 7 years on the job. If he was a teacher, he'd have hit the bricks by the final bell yesterday. Instead, we've got 15 remaining months of this goober.

Seattle was warned that a big windstorm was bearing down on us today. It veered and it now appears that British Columbia might soon be leveled. Which is a drag, because I still hadn't made it up to Whistler.

Hope your own hatches are battened today. Rock on.

Throwing immense piles of elephant poop

Last night's GOP debate was atrociously lame. While too many are focused on the internecine sparring, the tipping point moment was Mitt Romney saying that a President would need to "sit down with his lawyers" to determine if a pre-emptive attack on Iran was doable. Ahem. Ron Paul went apeshite and will surely see his already crazed internuts send cash by the bushels in response. Everyone else just looked horrible both before and after. Rudy Guiliani has the scariest worldview imaginable - he must be having marital problems. Again. Fred Thompson has as much of a chance of becoming President as David Spade. Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo both have to be gay given the Larry Craigness of their vitriolic nonsense. Sam Brownback and Mike Huckabee have the dumbest names in the history of the Republic. If any of these maniacs are our next President, we're all moving to Canada.

Hope your own debates are about chicken vs. fish today. Rock on.

"Just a bit outside."

I've been repeatedly impressed with Jon Stewart over the last many years. But his interview with Alan Greenspan last night was definitely one of his best. While so many others are attacking Greenspan for his new book's self-serving defenses of the looming housing value meltdown and the Iraq War, Jon took the opportunity to ask him actual economics questions. I can almost guarantee that this is the only way that teenagers and college kids are getting exposure to macro-econ. Even those enrolled in those horrendous undergrad courses that we've all forgotten entirely. Kudos. The Emmy for "The Daily Show" was entirely deserved.

The Brew Crew won a big one last night on the road in Houston. That makes 4 in a row. With 12 games to play, they're in a virtual tie with the Cubs who have 10 games remaining. And this weekend we're heading back to Wisconsin for a visit prior to a conference for Sarah in Minneapolis. Special irony bonus - we're flying into the Minneapolis Airport. So after a stop by the Larry Craig bathroom stall (please check back for pics), expect that I'll be glued to Bob Uecker's play-by-play call during an honest-to-Gawd playoff chase. If you could see me right now, you'd know that I'm nippin' out.

Hope your own bathroom stops are equally worth a creepy snapshot today. Rock on.

My "intent" is to name my third child Favre

For today at least, undeniably disgraced Senator Larry Craig is testing the waters of a continued perp walk in his seat. Anyone who denies that politicians parse their words as carefully as legally possible should listen to this dandy that Roll Call rolled out today. The operative word is "intent" - as in, "my intent is to weasel out of this if everyone gets distracted by the September debate over Iraq and my wife doesn't snip off a testicle." It appears Ol' Wide Lair doesn't program numbers into his cell phone. Point blank - the Dems are praying that he's stupid enough to fight for his reputation. And it appears that stupid does strike more often in one place than lightning.

At long last, Oprah is getting serious about taking over the Nation. Thank gawd. If anyone can add some luster to a surprisingly buzz-free Barack Obama, it's this American Hero. Respect the "Oprah bounce". And, no, I'm not talking to you, Tom Cruise.


The NFL Season starts tomorrow night. I'm sure you've also got goosebumps by just saying that. I fully expect my Green Bay Packers to be sucking a middle teet somewhere out of the headlines aside from the magical Favre Farewell Tour sequel. Regardless, set your Tivos, call your bookies and kiss your kids goodbye for a few months worth of weekends.

Hope your own pre-season roster cuts left you with all the pieces necessary for a serious run toward the playoffs. Rock on.

"Attention: Representative Whatshisface likes the BeeGees and once smoked a clove with a dwarf in Prague. YOU WERE WARNED."

Tough Friday news dump for the GOP. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow's resigning, Sen. Larry Craig is hanging on by a thread lit from both ends, Sen. John Warner's out of the race for his guaranteed re-election in '08, and it's not even the close of bizness on the East Coast. I hope someone's told Dubya his Party's ending while he clears brush or plans for Jenna's nups or whatever is on top of his agenda in Crawford. But if I held the briefing book, here are two oddballs I'd throw into the mix.

I'm currently shaped much more like my linebacker days, but I was also a competitive runner. Mitt Romney's no competitive runner. His new ad has more heavy breathing and odd pacing than geriatric porn. Watch it if you've over 21. Or rather, don't. He's such a fraud we shouldn't encourage further virility spoofs on his part.


The WashingtonPost today buried a little gem from the Green Zone in Baghdad that I'm sure will lead to a much larger story on the spin we'll be seeing over the next few months. Obviously, soldiers are being given bios of visiting Congresspersons to shade the stories told. Or maybe this is just part of a grander plan to encourage spitting in the food of certain dignitaries. It's a brief story, but so so damn worth reading. September will be a cloudy shitestorm of empty debate wrapped in a monstrous styrofoam layer of inpenatrable lies covered in truth-retardant goo. Just like Catholic school. Hey, don't blame me - I was raised a Methodist.

Hope your Labor Day weekend is heavy on the weekend, light on the labor. Rock on.

Infinitely more satisfying than a KFC "failure pile in a sadness bowl"

I'm a big fan of Keith Olbermann. His "Countdown" is the best news show on the TeeVee, bar none. He calls out everyone on their rank hypocrises. And does it with flair. Blah blah blah. But what one of his producers did last night with the Larry Craig shamefest reached a new level of virtuosity. Watch it. Now.




One quickie review - Patton Oswalt is my favorite comedian. He's smart, surprising, perfectly-timed, my age and he did volunteer performing/fundraising work with 826 Valencia in San Francisco where I also volunteered. His latest comedy album has been my default CD in the car for the last few weeks. "Werewolves and Lollipops" is not for the easily offended, of which I am certainly not one. My rating - a solid A. Not since Steve Martin's comedy albums loomed large in my pre-teen years have I replayed comedy this often to gauge the timing and intellect of the delivery. Seriously. Buy it. Now.

Hope your own wide stance is productive today. Rock on.

Focusing on the trees 'cause the forest scares the crap out of me

Gonzo's gone. So? Screw that guy. The only ones that lose in this overdue turn from that infamous worm are the people that dedicated their lives to the Justice Department and the larger practice of protecting the Constitution. But who cares - it's August so let's get straight to the tabloid crap!

Senator Larry Craig has done us all a favor by getting busted for cruising in the Twin Cities - we now all know to avoid taking a "wide stance" in a stall and that putting your luggage by the door to block the view is a dead giveaway to the cop that might be faking a dump session nearby. I for one will hereafter never even bolt the door. Thanks, Larry. You deserve another one of them Medals of Freedom that Dubya seems to be willing to toss around like so many Mardi Gras beads.

If you haven't yet seen the stunning and stunningly dumb Miss Teen South Carolina's answer to an utterly inane question at the pagent, you obviously have a life. But put that aside for a minute and revel in the syrupy stink of too much time spent putting on makeup, not enough time reading anything other that Nutrasweet packaging.


Sadly, Owen Wilson appears to have had a breakdown that according to his publicists certainly couldn't have been a desperate cry for help. I say sadly because I honestly find him to be a talented actor and writer. In personal terms, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting his parents in Dallas at my neighborhood coffeeshop the day after "Shanghai Noon" opened. Sarah and I'd seen it just the night before and loved it. His Mom was wearing a shirt festooned with the movie's title and when I asked about it they practically burst into song describing Owen and Luke and Andrew and their seemingly bastard son Wes. They were the sort of parents that made you instantly believe breeders can't be all bad. I've never forgotten that 15-minute conversation and I've joked of it often to friends and family since. Here's hoping that Owen gets real healthy real soon. Rock on.