The Man Who No Longer Stares At His Own Goatee

If you've viewed my profile picture or any other picture taken of me since 1991, you've seen a goatee. Sometimes long like a biker, sometimes trimmed to within a shadow of existence. But a goatee nonetheless. Sure, for a few rare periods it had been surrounded by a full beard. The goatee, however, has been a constant companion for close to two decades. Or had been. I shaved that goat this past Halloween.

I don't expect many of you actually care about my facial hair configuration. Yet I'm inspired on this weekend - the very day that "The Men Who Stare At Goats" opens - to reflect for a bit on just what the goatee has come to signify in American male culture. And why I encourage each and everyone one of you to lose yours before it's too late.

There was a time about 20 years ago that a goatee had come back into vogue as "edgy". Dare I say, "grungy". Possibly, for a few years there, it was sexy. Can some of us still rock the goat? Most assuredly. But it had become a crutch for me and so many other men like me. That's why the clean look is the new edgy, in my own personal style universe. I realize many of you have come to rely upon my style recommendations over the years. I mean, remember Zubaz? You're welcome.

You're probably asking, what's next? Doing away with the ironic t-shirt? Or losing the baseball cap? No, no let's not throw the baby out with the proverbial bong water here.

Ponder for a moment the momentous monstrosity that is The GoateeSaver. Here you have a product marketed to seduce the goatee wearer with the false claims that "(Your goatee) reflects your personality. It declares your individuality. Your goatee is much more than just facial hair, your goatee style helps fashion your identity." So true. So ironically, dispassionately true.

Next, consider some of the more famous of those examples of men rockin' the goat. In no particular order, I select:
1. the current Brad Pitt. Crazy, grey goat.
2. the old Spock. Lush, galatic goat.
3. the Chuck Todd. Wonky, sexless goat.
4. the Da Ali G. Fastidious, bedonka-donk loving goat.
5. the Kevin Youkilis. Should guest-star on "Sons of Anarchy" biker goat. The single best name/goat pairing in modern history.
6. the Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory" on the Season Premiere episode. Dork goat (proving anyone can grow one).
7. the Todd Palin. Purposeless goat (especially ironic if worn on a snowmobile in Alaska).
8. the Dave Navarro. Dooshy goat, always in transition.
9. the Billy Bob Thornton. The afraid to act his real age goat.
10. the Frank Zappa. The technically-not-a-goat goat that everyone lets slide because, well, it's Zappa.

Aside from Zappa, I gotta say I'm happy to be out of that particular club. So, please, gentlemen. I implore you. Take a look at your chin. Or what's hidden there where your chin used to be. Maybe you're like me and your face is rounder than you'd like to remember it being. Maybe your chin is as weak as a George W. Bush motivational speech. Or maybe you just like to think you still look good and Pearl Jam's new album shows no sign of going out of style. Whatever the excuse, look around and consider your goat peers. Then take a look at yourself. Not a deep introspective look. Just a shallow, superficial look. You'll be glad you did.

And, once again, you're welcome.

Looking to see what's under there after all these years...

If you have kids, you're probably already sick to death of Halloween. I don't know precisely when it happened, but it has morphed from one day of silliness to an entire Mardi Gras of events. And with this year's All Hallow's Eve on a Saturday night, we're all screwed. So in the spirit of somewhat saying screw this holiday's conventional expansion, I've decided to add something of my own to this year's festivities. I will not dress up. I will dress down. In so doing, I'm going to shave off my goatee.

Some of you are probably saying, what's the big deal - it's not like you're Chuck Todd and your entire personality now seems rooted in that annoying little patch of hair on your chin. Well, in some ways you're right. But I'm also of that category of American adult white males for which the goatee is the last, sad remaining vestige of grunge in our collective wardrobe. The time has come to lose it and discontinue partying like it's 1999. Or, more accurately in my case, 1992. Back then I shifted to the goat from the full beard. Since then, I've let it go from biker gang long to trimmed within a shadow of its life. But tomorrow, before I let my 4-year-old hit the ground running wild in the neighborhood, I'm shaving. With that, I hope to renew my embrace of all things Halloweenie-ish. Expect some pics.

Hope your own facial hair configuration scares the crap out of the neighborhood kids tomorrow. Rock on.