Friday, March 25, 2005

This Week's Too-Sickening-To-Let-Pass-Unmentioned Stories

If any sane person were to base his or her cultural perspective on stories carried by the cable news networks, these would seem very tempestuous days indeed. Some stories are so stupid, so dominating and morose, they are perfect filler for those mindless platforms. And even though I'm very much re-directing my attention to the world that is Maya and her every desire or complaint, I can't help but see the imbalance caused by covering the stories that are being covered. In that light, I'll try once again to remedy my ANID ("appalling news intestinal distress") by mentioning those stories getting the spotlight when it most certainly isn't deserved as well as those stories unjustifiably ignored. With that out of the way, I hope I can safely return to posting the pictures everyone would seemingly rather tune in to see.

This Week's ANID Remedy List (take one shot at each, and leave it behind)
  • Jeb Bush. With all the Schiavo appeals almost exhausted, his renewed moment in the sun is fading fast. But I don't expect this MiniBush (no matter how sizable his frame may be) to go down without one last desperate gasp. Imagine an armed assault on the Woodside Hospice to rescue poor Hillary Swank, er...Terri Schiavo before her boxing career, er...life is ended before the bell. Or something to that effect. I only hope people remember to question (which they won't) his own grasp of family matters in the guise of his narco-maniac daughter, Noelle, and his law-breaking, hard-core-shop-aholic wife, Columba.
  • Barry Bonds. While hoping to skip this season, FreakishlyBigBarry will "protect" his family by asking that the cameras focus solely on his son, pets, and agreeable mistresses. The SF Giants are screwed by giving him such a wide berth. Baseball wants him gone before he passes Ruth, much less Aaron. And I want him banned from newsconferences for the rest of his life.
  • Pat O'Brien. The voicemails are funny. The offer to masterbate on his producer's couch, random groping and substantial substance abuse are uniquely depraved. But will someone please call his rehab and tell him that Billy Bush just usurped his slot as the most soulless man on the Planet?
  • Krygystan. If ever a country needed to buy a vowel, this is the one. Thyr scrywd.
  • Bill Frist. Diagnosing outside his specialty via videotape. Brilliant, and so darn cost-effective. Look for him to fold this into upcoming/unannounced Medicare/Medicaid reforms/retractions.
  • The crazy kid in Red Lake, MN who killed a bunch of people. Tragic, in all seriousness. The more sensitive among us feel as though it would be nice for Dubya to acknowledge the tragedy. But by drawing attention to the fact that some Native Americans have survived, the Bushies are probably concerned that the cuts in next year's Federal Budget might seem a bit harsh. Remember people if Dubya's told us once he's told us a million times - we must respect the "culture of life."
  • The Pope. Seems to me that missing Easter for him is like Dick Clark missing the New Year's countdown. They both should be replaced. By robots.
There. Feels much better. See y'all next week with this feature's regular installment. Until then, expect the same general randomness here, limitless cuteness from Maya, and the Family Buick.

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