Everything I Ever Needed to Know Would Never Have Been Taught in Kindergarten

This afternoon I had a "training session" for the next stage of the Washington State Democratic Caucus procedure (I'm a delegate from our lowly Precinct level of involvement, up to this point). Hereafter, I'm able to run for one of 40 slots against 859 current Barack Obama delegates. Which still ain't even close to the National Convention. Whatever. It's time to sling some mud in random fashion. That's my campaign motto. So here goes.

Hillary's laugh is fake. John McCain will never, ever pull all our troops out of Iraq. John Boehner's birthname was actually "Hardy Boner". Nancy Pelosi is reluctant to show off her killer bod. Harry Reid is a Mormon (seriously). Ted Kennedy cries uncontrollably twice a day. Russ Feingold deserves to be our next (Vice) President. Bill Gates secretly loves SPAM. Eliot Spitzer only would frequent hookers that had an extra toe on at least one foot. Donald Rumsfeld has taken up floral arranging and scrapbooking to ward off the realization that he'll burn in hell forever. Britney Spears eats one kitten and most of two puppies every day. All hybrid vehicles are 13% more fuel efficient if you stick a carrot in the lighter slot. Gawd is dead.

Glad I could help. Hope your own non sequiters are non sequitish today. Rock on.

Until today, I also thought that "caucus" sounded sorta dirty...

Here's a shout out to all you caucus (cough!) fans - long live loosely managed anarchy! I'm fresh off my first actual caucus here in Seattle for the Democrats running to be the next Prezidunt and I've got good news. My possibly misinformed fellow citizens/neighbors saw fit to nominate and confirm me as a delegate to the next stage as an Obama supporter. Which - to get all technical and such - means that myself and two others from my extended neighborhood go to the next level along with one Hillary Clinton delegate. Or as I hope she/he can be hereafter tagged - the HilliarityVote. My particular neighborhood broke 3 to 1 in favor of Obama. So I live in LatteVille. Contrary to what you might believe, I got drafted to be a delegate. Some thought it was my impassioned speech extolling my trust in Obama's character and transformational claim to the future. Others thought the fact that I wore shorts on a cloudy 45-degree day was inspirational. I'm sure there were those out there that just mistook me for a burly, hairless Rick Astley. Who cares - I'm through to Hollywood! Or, rather, the next level of delegate bunk here in King County in early April. Regardless, I am so gonna make this my quest. I am the next American Delegate Idol. Stay tuned.

Hope your own delusions include horrible 80s pop references today. Rock on.