Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Barry Bonds vs. The Brew Crew - A Nation is asked to decide.

Barry "Give me the Cream AND the Clear" Bonds is this morning's biggest sporty story, breaking like an obviously-forecast 30-foot wave over the previously protected shores of Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Face facts, folks - Barry Bonds is a 'roided-out freak, a complete jerk and the sort of controversial clown that Major League Baseball has dreaded owning up to ever since well before Rafael Palmeiro's balls retracted into his unnaturally-trimmed abdomen. I want "BB" out of the game. Seriously. I want him disgraced and shunned by every sports fan across the Globe. My sentence of having to watch this jerk writ disproportionately-large here in San Francisco has been short. But if the new explosive book from the SF Comical's reporters proves true, Bonds is the most cynical, most scandalously self-involved and most short-sighted character in American sports since Dubya ran the always horrible Texas Rangers even deeper into the bedrock. Boot the bastard, Bud (that's "Mr. Selig" to you poor sorority grrrls working the luxury boxes at Miller Park). If Commishioner Bud was a true baseball man and not just a boot-licking lackey, he'd investigate and subsequently shun this jerk before he broke Babe Ruth's home runs mark, much less that of the incomparably-dignified Hank Aaron. Above all, I worry that Bonds' disgraceful past will distract attention away from the obvious and beautiful future consolidation of America's love behind this Season's Brew Crew. I'll assume that you, Humble Reader, haven't been paying attention. But the Brewers are on FIRE! At least in the Spring Training sense of things. This is a team with low costs but showcase showdown value. In comparison, Barry Bonds is an incomparable jerk with total disregard for the game he plays. The Brewers play in Milwaukee, where (according to my nativist sources) our nation's tradition for sports-fandom was founded. Not sure about the attribution, but you should look it up. Regardless, who are you rooting for America? Me thinks Ned Yost's "Ya Dere Boyz!". Or not - it's a free country, after all. Just make sure you don't root for Barry Bonds. He's SUCH a dooshbag.

Too much? Whatever. Hope your own Hall of Fame balloting is unianimous today. Rock on.


vcthree said...

I question the jilted ex-girlfriend as a source, but I'm not discrediting this story at all. It's just too plain obvious that he did it--never mind the BALCO links or any of that other documented stuff. JUST LOOK AT HIM, FOR CHRIST!

Look at the pictures of Bonds, circa 1992, then 1998, then 2001. Put those pictures side by side, then tell me that he didn't do something other than weightlifting. It's even in the SI photo gallery. And he hasn't vehemently denied it at all. Look for him to retire before this season is out.

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