Friday, March 03, 2006

Deciphering the benchmarks as we stumble our way into Year Two of Parenthood

Like most parents, we decided to get Maya a series of immunizations and a dollop of pediatrician-delivered guilt right after her First Birthday. Maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. Our pediatrician's a good doc. Smart woman. Sarah appreciates her suggestions. But I always leave feeling like we've been keeping Maya in the crawlspace under the stairs and occasionally poking her with hot sticks. As if. I've NEVER heated up one of those pokey sticks and it's less of a crawlspace and more of a pile of Costco goods. But I'll let y'all judge for yourself how Maya looks with the latest Tale o' the Tape:

Height - 29 1/2 inches
Weight - 22 pounds, 10 oz.
Headsize - not measured, but she's around a 4 and a 1/2, if you're ordering her this season's Brew Crew hats. Actually, make that 7 and 5/8ths - she prefers to wear my hats. And, yes, that's my noggin size these days - damn you syphillus!
Hemoglobin, or hobogoblins, or the helloGollum mark - 12.9 (the East German judge terribly underscored her @ 11.6) If you know what these numbers mean, your next appointment is waiting, Doctor.

As we were reassured, Maya's cranking on the development curve. Doing handstands and juggling (4 balls!) helped pad her scores. But apparently we're not forcing her to choke down enough fresh fruit or broccoli or dirt or, um, petroleum products...I kinda zoned out after trying to discern what effects all the lead paint chips that I've been mixing into her yogurt might have on her development. In all seriousness, she's doing great by all measures. And while getting her immunizations including a few extra for our trip to Mexico in May, Maya only ripped one tiny artery from Sarah's neck. So her fine motor skills are advanced, and she doesn't freak out at the sight of copious bloodflow. DoubleBonus!

Time to move onto some other things. I'll respect the ludicrously conceived chestnut of "don't criticize the Prezidunt while he/she is abroad (no pun intended, ladies)" by waiting until next week to call Dubya's trip to Asia a vapid boondoggle staged by retarded monkeys. Because I respect the office, doncha know. I'm sure you'll want to check back for that. Hope your own goodwill tours today take you to places other than consignment shops. Rock on.


kt said...

when do we get to hear about your phone call with the mormons?

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