Dobson On The Aisle

I just happened upon a great resource for those of you that adore movie reviews. Go there - you will not be disappointed, I swear. James Dobson's cult...er, group Focus on the Family (scary Colorado Springs nutbowls) puts up very extensive rundowns of the newest releases on their website. And they are HILARIOUS! Aside from, to be fair, quite complete plot breakdowns, they pull out catagorical items that I've never seen done as well or as puritanically anywhere else. They start with "Positive Elements" and "Spiritual Content" which rapidly devolves into "Sexual Content" and "Violent Content." But then - and here's where Dobson's peeps really excel at their craft - they list "Crude or Profane Language," "Drug and Alcohol Content" and "Other Negative Elements" before finishing it off with the unintentionally hilarious "Conclusion" to be drawn on each film. Granted, I found this new avenue of informative hilarity accidentally by searching for Dobson's comments concerning SpongeBob SquarePants' apparent gayness. But I'm now hooked. Here are a few of my favorite examples:

"Assault on Precint 13" reviewed by Tom Neven
Spiritual Content: A scene is set during a Roman Catholic Mass; the priest’s homily is about the power of moral choice and the importance of thinking through consequences before acting. The dirty cops use that church service to rendezvous with Bishop to try to extort more money out of him. One cop mocks, “You think you’d tell the truth with God watching.” Bishop states that he doesn’t believe in God: “Many times I’ve seen men staring death in the face and pleading for their lives. Since God never saved them, I’ve concluded he doesn’t exist.”

Realizing he’s being set up, Bishop stabs the cop in the neck with a pen just as the congregation begins singing “Amazing Grace.” A shoot-out ensues.

"Alexander" reviewed by Tom Neven
Sexual Content: Before Alexander's release, The online news world was abuzz with rumors that it contained heavy homosexual and/or bisexual content. And history pretty much confirms that Alexander had a voracious appetite for both sexes. In the final print, however, much of the bisexual content is confined to innuendo and assumption. Significant glances and whispers of affection are exchanged between Alexander and Hephaistion, his lifelong friend and probable homosexual lover. Alexander hugs Hephaistion lingeringly, says to him, “Stay with me tonight,” expresses a longing for growing old together, and assures him, "It's you I love." Olympias tells Alexander, “You love Hephaistion more. I understand. It’s natural for a young man.” Alexander also kisses a very effeminate male dancer full on the mouth—in front of his wife. (Interestingly, a group of Greek lawyers is threatening to sue director Oliver Stone and Warner Bros. over this portrayal of Alexander. In true Seinfeldian manner, they say they have no problem with homosexuality; they just don’t want to see their cultural hero portrayed that way.)

King Philip, in a drunken rage, attempts to rape Olympias. He slaps her, chokes her and throws her upon the bed that young Alexander lies in, ripping at her clothing. (Palace guards eventually pull him off as Alexander pleads with him to stop.) In a like-father, like-son echo, Alexander later violently attempts to force his "rights" on his wife, Roxane. (During the struggle, she's seen nude from the front; shadows obscure the lower portion of her body.) After he has beat her and wrestled her down, she seizes a knife and puts it to his throat. Then, the two turn their anger and acts of violence into a means of summoning sexual attraction. What follows includes explicit motion and sounds, seen in flashes of flesh and in silhouette. Elsewhere, in low light, we see Alexander briefly expose part of his sexual anatomy to the camera.

During one of Philip's drunken orgies, men drag women off, apparently to have their way with them. Upon viewing King Darius’ harem in captured Babylon, Alexander is told there’s a woman for every night. But while his generals ogle the women, Alexander exchanges looks with Bagoas the eunuch. At various times men and women dancers perform sexualized dances—one of them homoerotic. A Greek general denigrates “barbarians” by saying, “They mate in public.” Roxane, jealous of Hephaistion’s hold on Alexander, is told by Alexander, “There are many different ways to love.” Nude statues and paintings are on display.

"Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" reviewed by Rhonda Handlon
Violent Content: Bridget’s physical foibles include no fewer than three face plants, leaving her countenance covered in everything from sand to snow to pig manure. Mark and Daniel chase each other, push each other and come to blows over Bridget.

"Fat Albert" reviewed by Steven Isaac
Spiritual Content: Bill Cosby explains to Albert that he came through the TV because he "felt her spirit."

"Kinsey" reviewed by Tom Neven
Spiritual Content: The movie is not two minutes old when it begins mocking Christianity. It shows a stern preacher denouncing modernity, and it implicitly equates disapproval of sexual deviancy with disapproval of all that makes up the “modern” world (e.g., electricity and automobiles). In an interview, Kinsey says he was raised a Methodist but, since age 19, has never attended church.

A professor comments that a student’s search for the gall wasp “Garden of Eden” has managed to bridge the Bible and Darwin in one stroke. Kinsey’s “freethinking” wife at first finds him too “churchy.” At one point Kinsey asks, “What would our country look like if the Puritans had stayed home?”

"Million Dollar Baby" reviewed by Christopher Lyon
Sexual Content: An aggressive fighter at the gym mocks Maggie, making fun of the size of her “t-tties.” She responds by using the same sexual terms against him. Another boxer acts out her insult by making sexual motions on the ring's canvas. Two or three “card girls” are briefly seen in revealing clothing as they parade the ring between rounds. Frankie tells Maggie to hit another female boxer "in the t-tties" until they "turn blue and fall off."

There's too much else there to be denied it's full reading by my thumbnail cut-and-pasting. Go there now. You'll thank me for it later, as you make your MovieFone choices this evening.